In the days leading up to New Year’s Eve 2019, many of my Facebook friends began sharing their “Word of the Year,” (WOY, from now on) For the uninitiated, a WOY is a single word, even phrase, that someone chooses to live by in the upcoming year. This practice is most popular perhaps among women and gives them the opportunity to focus their energy on a single aspect of their lives. Some of the words included, Love, Hope, and Energy. In a sense, the practice of choosing a WOY can prey on a woman’s insecurities: Maybe she doesn’t feel loved, hopeful, or energetic. Maybe she needs an outward motivation to affirm that she is indeed loved, hopeful, and energetic. On the other hand, a WOY can be encouraging and uplifting.
When finding one’s WOY, a single word, selected at random typically by a computer-generated system, can offer a woman enough hope to pull through on her long-forgotten dream and desires. Religious companies like DaySpring offer a Christian-based WOY quiz, while secular outlets like Buzzfeed cater to a more relaxed audience with its 2020 WOY quiz. Regardless, finding out one’s WOY could be akin to skimming the newspaper horoscope for a sign of hope and permission to live out a good life.
In fact, for years, I believed that fellow women who participated in WOY random selection were the same ones who consulted crystals when they could just talk to the Lord Jesus and didn’t date certain men because they are a Pisces. To me, finding a WOY was nonsense. Why do you need a WOY of the year when you can just derive all wisdom and motivation from the Bible, the Tradition of the Church, the lives of the Saints, and praying a daily rosary?
As in most cases when my arrogance sits me on a high horse – I found myself kicked off of the same horse’s back.
This year, I saw many Catholic friends making use of Jen Fulweiler’s WOY Generator. Jen is a popular podcaster, speaker, and blogger in Catholic Internet Land, so it makes sense that her inspirational word generator would take off amongst the faithful – especially women. After being inundated with post after post, I caved and visited the generator.
My WOY? Enough.
When the word materialized on the screen – I felt a celestial punch to my core. I don’t believe we can manipulate God by asking for specific signs and I don’t think He primarily works through word generators – but perhaps that afternoon He decided to bend my preconceived notions.
You see, this past fall, I went back to graduate school. I was already in possession of a master’s degree, but this was the big time step towards achieving my dream of a doctorate. No more trivial online forum discussions and an invisible, online instructor who never answered her email. This was BIG. SCHOOL.
The one problem with BIG SCHOOL? I never felt like I was enough. More often than not this semester, I felt underprepared and stupid – unworthy of ever being accepted into my program. After all, it’s not like I’m studying biochemical rocket science sheep cloning mechanics – it’s Applied Linguistics, a discipline so obscure most people don’t even know what it is. And yet, I felt like I was playing years of catch-up as week after week rolled by.
In a past life – I was the Smartest Person in the Room. Even if I wasn’t the Smartest Person in the Room – I was always under the impression that I was. Also, everyone was kind enough to not tell me otherwise. Growing up and working in Rural Kentucky, who else would you bump into who graduated at the top of her class in college, was a Fulbrighter in East Asia, spoke enough Mandarin Chinese to impress the casual listener, read social science books for fun, and traveled to places that most people can’t place on a map? Nobody – that’s who.
Then, someone like me, The Smartest Person in the Room, goes to BIG SCHOOL, where everybody else was also a Fulbrighter, speaks more than one language fluently, went to bilingual schools abroad, and knows more about English grammar and mechanics than you ever will. Just imagine every Smartest Person in the Room you’ve met and put them all at the same BIG SCHOOL and that was my life beginning in September.
Now imagine me, The Smartest Person in the Room, representing Middle of Nowhere, Kentucky sitting in a class and the professor starts talking about language concepts I never knew existed. Also, I have a wonderful housing arrangement with wonderful people who, you guessed it, are also The Smartest Person in the Room. And some of these fine people are next-level Smartest Person in the Room and I’m like, “Did you know that a noun is a person, place, or thing?” Of course they know! They’re the Smartest Person in the Room!
I spent plenty of time reveling in my deficiencies and bemoaning the fact that no, I’m no longer the official Smartest Person in the Room.
But do you know what I am? I’m ENOUGH.
Do I still know how to create a flawless sentence diagram tree? No. Can I still perfectly explain the differences between synthetic, agglutinative, and analytic languages without occasionally confusing an element of one with the other? Also, no. Am I going to become a profound phonetician? A snowball’s chance in the lowest ring of Hades.
Heading into 2020, I’m reminding myself always and at all times that I’m enough. I was enough in September and I’ll be enough in May when the year is over. I’m enough when someone, yet again, asks me where I’m from because I have a “cute” accent. I’m enough when I’m staring out my window, wondering how on earth I got to where I am today. I’ll be enough after I leave BIG SCHOOL, I’ll be enough when I feel that I’m not enough.
Thankfully, God’s grace is enough for me, for you, and for everybody who’s ever been the Smartest Person in the Room.